Slaying Anxiety

God has been moving mightily in my life over the past few weeks. That being said, somewhere between my racing heart and wrenched gut lies the giant of anxiety, and it manifests itself as unchecked fear and the sinful unbelief of an anxious heart.  I know that the enemy is only trying so hard to win battles in my life that he has won over and over for the past few years because I have not been fighting with the right weapons. I fought with lying in bed on days it gripped me so tightly I couldn't move. I fought with seeking out relationships that were not God's best, thinking that if I could only be good enough for someone then the giant would shrink. I fought with detaching myself from my family on holidays I didn't have the kids because it hurt too much to be with them. I fought with weapons that only resulted in unkind speech and hurtful attitudes towards my children and parents. I share these very personal, unhealthy, and potentially embarrassing coping mechanisms because I want to help others fight this beast in the godly way. The ONLY way. I battle this daily, and the enemy is trying to gain a foothold because I have found a renewed passion for Christ and trust in Him. This rekindled fire makes fighting the battle harder, but also more rewarding, because in the process I am growing closer to my Jesus, which used to be, and now is again, all that matters.

How do we fight the battle? How do we win? I am reminded of the story we all know of David and Goliath. David fought this battle with a measly sling shot, with really no earthly chance of winning. What Saul didn't know, though, was that David walked with God. He fought the battle with God beside him and Goliath never had a chance. We have Jesus, we have His Word, and we have His victory already stamped into our hearts. Conquering anxiety and unbelief can be accomplished, but only if we fight with the weapons God has given us.

"May we have the mindset of Christ..." (1 Corinthians 2:16)
The counseling strategy I use most often with students is called cognitive behavior therapy. I use this because I believe that everything we fight against can be changed if we get our mindset in a healthy place. For me, regarding anxiety, my goal is change the irrational thoughts to rational thoughts that point me to Christ. For instance, the opposite of anxiety is contentment with what God has for me. How do I accept His will? I have to do this moment by moment when the giant attacks my heart. For instance, the verse that I am claiming starting today is this: "My God will supply every need according to the riches of glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19)  I will fight the giant with prayer, asking God what I think I need with open palms, and then choose to trust that He knows what I need more than I do. Therefore, whatever the response is, I say thank you, trusting His sovereign love.  2 Corinthians 10:5 says for us to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
Here are some practical ways to do this:
1)Take hold of the anxious thought
2)Ask God for whatever need it is we are battling
3)Choose to be okay with God's best
4)Replace the thought with His promises in His Word, such as "My God WILL supply EVERY need according to HIS riches..."
CONTENTMENT and PEACE is the promised result as we trust in God's best!

We CAN slay anxiety, and we don't have to fight this giant alone. We, as believers, have been armed with His Word and have been told how to fight! Our helper is near, and He will fight alongside us. Year by year, day by day, and moment by moment.

"I lift my eyes up to the mountains-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord-the maker of Heaven and Earth." Psalm 121:1-2

"Fight My Battles"-Michael W. Smith

Survive or Thrive??

During my marriage I considered myself a victim. I would sit on the couch late at night and wonder how I ended up here, hating myself and the life I had landed in. I was a shell of who God created me to be and knew that in order to change my view of self, from victim to survivor, I had to take life by the hands and fight like hell to get rid of the voices inside my head that were poison. These voices stole my hope and silenced my soul. When I filed for divorce I thought the curtains had closed and the ending was written, but the grace of God and the joy hidden  deep down in my heart reminded me that the enemy doesn't write my ending. God does. My story was just beginning, and nobody..NOBODY...except me gets to sing my song of survival.


Many know that there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I went through these as I grieved my marriage, and I did not hit the acceptance stage until recently. I was not grieving my ex-husband, but I was grieving the complete and whole family and what I thought was God's plan for my life. I finally, FINALLY, accepted that I can either live in survival mode, which means living life in fear of being alone and letting the pieces of my heart that broke continue to leave me bleeding and in pain...or I can choose to move from SURVIVING to THRIVING. I finally realized, after years of this thing I called survival mode, that my whole heart had to decide that I wasn't done fighting. The pieces of my broken heart that left me bleeding, the same ones intended for my pain, became the gift that Jesus gave me. I began to gather these broken pieces that were scattered all over the floor and form them  into a mountain that allowed me to see that my freedom was in view and that I'm stronger that I ever even knew. (Christ lives in me and is my strength, right?) I finally chose not to let my circumstances define me, and I let go and TRULY let God free me from my own plans and trust that even though this plan of divorce and single motherhood looks ugly, that I can THRIVE within the chaos. That though I still lay awake some nights, feeling defeated, His voice tells my aching heart and the tears that stream down my face that now...NOW.. I can learn to live in wherever He might have me. Not where I think I'm supposed to be, or where I think I want to be...but letting God bring good from bad. It sounds so cliche, but the verse in Romans 8:28 that says "and though we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" is true...but it can only be true if I CHOOSE  to let it be. Will I simply survive? Or will I thrive in the midst of who He is creating me to be? Will I let part of my heart live, or will I continue to fight and let Christ rise within me, using my story for His good?

I want to encourage anyone reading to not simply survive (meaning to exist)  whatever you are going through, though sometimes that is hard enough; but instead, to thrive (meaning to flourish).. I beg you to join me as we accept that we CANNOT control the outcome, but we CAN control who God is transforming us to be as we continue down the path towards that outcome.

You, friend, can let God write your ending. I know that I am. 

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

Satisfied

This week’s post is probably not my best written, but I am weary and writing gives me strength and healing. I pray that God uses it, regardless of my tired eyes and my anxious heart. 

As I continue to reignite my passion for Jesus, He continues to show me Himself through passages I have learned years prior. This past week was a challenge. My little girl fell off of a trampoline and ended up with a concussion and a lacerated kidney. We spent the week with doctors, spent one night in the hospital, and one day at Children’s Hospital. I was terrified and I was physically alone, but God used the community of believers in my life to encourage and love us to remind me that I am never spiritually or truly alone. I also had some time to reflect as my Eden was asleep beside me in the hospital bed, and the Holy Spirit reminded me of Psalm 16:5-6. “Lord, you have assigned to me my portion and my cup, you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I will have a delightful inheritance.” This means that the Father has assigned to me how He will use and mold me, and no matter what that looks like, He will make my life free from fear as I trust Him. He will make sure that whatever adversity is thrown my way, whether it be from my baby being sick, or struggling financially, or relearning how to implement God’s Word into my everyday perspective…He will make sure that wherever I land, my boundary lines fall in satisfying places. Places that might hurt, might be scary, and might be out of my control, but if my eyes are on Him and trusting in His will for my life, I will be satisfied; simply because I want Him more than I want myself. The trade off is worth it. Every. Single. Time. Christ sacrificed His life for me, and my life belongs to Him. 

It is not easy to trust His will for me. It is not easy to step back out in faith. It is not easy to leave my life in the hands of an unseen God. But through the words of someone who encouraged me so much  this past week, I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 4:17. It says, “Therefore we do not lose heart…our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” May we let our boundaries fall where God places them, and may we remember that we have hope in the eternal glory that awaits us. 

What a graceful God we serve.

Why NOT Me?

This is a very open and vulnerable post, but I hope that it brings me much needed prayer!

I became a believer at age 12, and I can safely say that it was rare for me to miss a day in the Word until after my divorce. I don't say that to be self-righteous. I say that because for 20 years I was absolutely and utterly OBSESSED with Jesus. There were of course days that I didn't hear His voice and more days that I didn't feel His presence...but from the moment I woke up until the moment I laid my head down to sleep, Jesus was on my mind. I couldn't understand at the time why someone who knew that Jesus died for them could go a day without praying. I had a constant conversation going with Him. When I say He was my everything, I mean He was my EVERYTHING.

Then..then life happened. I got a divorce, leaving me in a confused place. I didn't understand how I got there, and for the next five years I would stay in that confused place. Yes, I still prayed. Yes, I still cried out to God for help. Yes, I learned that loving God and loving others was much more simple than I once thought. However, reading my Bible became less of a priority and I was just surviving and trying to meander my way through my new normal. Where I once memorized chapters of the Bible, I now barely even opened my Bible. It pains me to write this, because I never thought I would become someone who wasn't a passionate lover of God's Word. 

Yesterday, though, Jesus reached deep into my cracked heart and touched it. I mean REALLY touched it. The night before I felt hopeless. It has been years since I felt that way. I decided in that moment that I was finished feeling that way. My Bible sits on my nightstand, untouched, and I look at it every day and long for Jesus. I miss His presence and the intimacy we once shared. I started drying my hair and I opened it with one hand. I went to Isaiah, because hey, why not? I used to love Isaiah. I went to chapter 45:9 and my eyes were drawn to a verse I underlined probably two decades ago. It said simply: "does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'" The Father is the Potter. I am the clay. I told God many years ago, before I even knew what adversity truly looked like, "Mold me." I didn't know what that entailed, but I was ready to be used for the Kingdom. Friends, I did not envision being molded as a divorced single mother who fights for her sanity almost every moment of every day. I am here to claim this, right now: I am ready to be molded in ANY WAY GOD CHOOSES. I am sick and tired of being in bondage to my past. And in Jesus' name, I want the enemy to know that I am READY to be used. Satan thinks he ruined me, but HE is the one who will be ruined. For God says in Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you. All you need is to be still.' If I just have to be still and Jesus wins...can you imagine what He can do through me as His soldier if I'm actually fighting? 

I'm ready for battle, Jesus. FINALLY. Mold me. Use me. Fight for me. Fight with me. WIN. 

Instead of what I have been crying out "Why me?"...I vow to now say, every day, "Why NOT me?"

A for the Single Mom

Single moms. We carry around that label as though it defines us, and I admit, I did let it define me for longer than I wish I had. I have read a few blogs lately, written by other single moms, and I can’t help but feel a sense of negativity. They talk about what they want their married friends to quit complaining about, or wha...t they want their friends to understand about how challenging single motherhood can be. I read those blogs, and in the past I have had some of the same thoughts, but feeling angry, frustrated, or bitter took me to places that weren’t healthy. I realized that I was going in an unhealthy direction in my mindset…and after some time, and I decided that I was going to break the mold of single moms. I began making steps that allowed choosing joy a simpler task than years before, and I want to encourage other single moms that though we DO have circumstances that we did not want or choose when we started off our journey as mothers, that we CAN choose to overcome the obstacles in our paths.
Recently, I have started noticing some small things that as a single mother I get to experience and teach my children. I get to teach them that overcoming adversity is not easy, but that it’s not impossible with the help of God and with a loving support group. Adversity makes them STRONG and CAPABLE. I get to show them that loving others doesn’t always mean we give a ton of money, but that we give of ourselves in the small things. Love is SACRIFICE. I get to have a special connection with them, because most of the time it’s just them and me. Their world revolves around me, and my world revolves around them. I get to leave a legacy to them that I might not have been able to leave if I wasn’t a single mother. I used to have a hard time grasping and accepting that God could bring good from the ashes of divorce, but I am beginning to see that He can truly bring beauty from those ashes. I see it in my children when they dance around the living room. I hear it in my children when they break into fits of laughter when they tackle each other outside playing football. I feel it in my children when they wrap their arms around me and hold me, whispering in my ear that they love me.
I was dead inside for so many years; but God brought me back to life through three little ones who have made me stronger than I could ever be without them. I now see the beauty that has risen from the brokenness. If anyone reading this gains anything, I pray that they gain the perspective that no matter what we go through, whatever has brought us pain or made us have cracks in our armor, that we would all remember that there is good in everything. We just have to CHOOSE to see it, and choose to rise above. It is a daily battle for me, just as it probably is for you, but I am a living testimony that God provides to those who grieve…that He “bestows on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Psalm 61:3) I am so very thankful this Thanksgiving season for a God who doesn’t give up on me, and to friends and family who have taught me to see the beauty in life. And let’s not forget the most beautiful, giving, precious children a mom could ask for. See More

New Beginnings

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned.

For a long time, I lost my grip on my well planned out life. As I wrote in my first blog post after my divorce, I had dreams that were broken, shattering my heart. I had truly lost all shred of hope, and finding my way through the pain was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I have such a strong support system, and they helped me put one foot in front of the other and figure out how to go from being a stay at home mom to a single, working mom of three. Somehow I landed a part time job in the Athletic Department at Auburn, which led to Graduate School. The kids and I struggled, as I was gone at night once or twice a week. I missed them; I longed to just cook dinner, watch TV, and kiss my babies good night. I kept telling them, though, that it will all be worth it in the end...that though they don't understand this now, someday they will grasp the depth of my love for them, and the sacrifice they made for ME... because I didn't go to grad school because I really wanted to. I went back to school, leaving them in the care of babysitters, because I finally understood that it isn't what happens to me that defines my future. What defines my future is how I choose to handle the adversities in life that are bound to happen.

I have come across all kinds of beautiful people over the last three years. I have met many men and women who are on the same single parent journey as myself; I have watched my best friend of 26 years battle breast cancer and WIN; I have been able to talk to women who have a similar story as my own, and actually relate to them and possibly offer encouragement; I have held friends in the aftermath of losing close family members....I could go on and on about the trials people go through every single day. What I learned (the hard way) from my situation and from others' adversities is that strength does not come from me feeling sorry for myself and waiting on things to happen..strength comes from WITHIN. It comes from waking up in the midst of life changing circumstances and deciding that I wasn't going to let this life get the best of me, and that the enemy could not steal the joy that was buried deep within me for a decade. Strength is understanding that as life threw me curve balls, I was going to hit that home run at the end of the game. And now, a week out from gaining my second degree from the best university ever created, I can look back over the past three years and know that though there have been many battles that were lost, that in the end, victory was won. 

My first post may have said that my heart was shattered, but it also said that God is a shield around me and the lifter of my head, and that He sustains me(Psalm 3).This was true then, and it rings true today. I am not the same person I was when my kids and I moved to Auburn...I am slowly finding bits of myself that I thought were gone forever and I am figuring out how to put myself back together again. My heart may be scarred, but it is whole again in all the ways that matter. I want to thank every person who has walked with me through this time in my life, because you are the ones God used to put smiles back on my babies' faces, and also back on mine. I feel as though a long chapter has closed and a new one has opened.

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Sometimes it's better. 

A More Simple Life

Lately, especially as my kids get older and are involved in more activities, I find myself feeling less like a parent and more like a taxi driver, a bouncer breaking up fights, a maid, a cook, and a laundry fairy. Some nights, I get on my knees beside my kids' beds to pray over them, and I look at their peaceful, beautiful faces and wonder if I did anything on that particular day that taught them about Jesus, or ANYTHING of substance...or did I merely get caught up in the chaos of parenthood and just SURVIVE?

As I thought about this earlier this morning, I realized that I do this very thing, not only in the mundane throes of life, but in my relationship with Christ. I wade through the busyness of getting my kids where they need to be, of dinner, of making sure the house is clean (ER), making sure they get to bed at a decent hour, of grad school, of work, and somehow maintaining friendships outside of kids under the age of 10...and I find myself dissatisfied and discontent. I ask myself, "How did I get here? When did I forget how to be content where God has me? When did I forsake my first love?" As I prayed through these questions, I heard my Father whisper to my heart two simple words: "THE CROSS."


I was reminded that in the complexity of life, especially on days when I'm overwhelmed as a single mom, that the path to contentment and peace is really quite simple: My Father sent His ONLY Son to die.  For me and for you.  As a parent, this is really beyond words. I like to think that I would send my son to die so that all of mankind could be saved, but in reality, I know that I wouldn't let a single thing touch my child if at all possible. Yet God did this..for US. He heard Jesus' unbearable cries as the face of the enemy literally smiled at His pain, and in His own pain, the Father did nothing. The Father's love for His children on Earth, coupled with the Son's willingness to obey His Father at any cost...just to save us from the pits of hell..this is the simple truth of the cross.

This is what I long to remember, every single moment, of every single day. When I don't understand how I landed here in this season of life,  when I am so bone tired that my children have to literally pull me out of the bed, when I want to pull my hair out if one more person calls me "Mommy" (usually all at the same time), when I don't think I can drive to campus for one more class, or clean one more dish, or cook one more meal, and when I wonder when the last time I REALLY spoke to God was...I remember. I remember that He hasn't left me, even when I can't hear His voice. If He made the biggest sacrifice in the history of the world, for ME, then I can be sure that He will not leave me on my knees in the dust. He will lift me up, out of the pit (where it's sure to be shaky), and give me a firm place to stand (Psalm 40:2). And then, in that moment, I will hear Him whisper those two words that changed everything.

So as we bustle around in our crazy lives, and we begin to feel overwhelmed and far from God, may we push our way through...and settle our hearts back to the one thing that is simple and unblemished: THE CROSS. And then, friends, we can finally rest.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." Psalm 40:1-2